Have you ever gotten a KPI that makes your head hair move? Well, you know, things like «make 50 cold calls a day,» «increase sales by 20% in a month,» or «raise website conversion by 15%»? On paper, it sounds like a plan to make you a superstar in the office, but in fact? It’s like you’ve been given a leash, a muzzle and a «fuck» command, but you forgot to say that the goal is a mirage. KPIs that are supposed to motivate and improve work, often turn into a surveillance tool where the main thing is not the result, but to run faster and louder. Let’s explore why these metrics sometimes piss off more than they help, and how companies love to put people in tasks they can’t physically control.
KPI: The Illusion of Control or the Whistleblower?
Let’s start with the main thing: KPIs create the illusion that everything is under control. The boss slaps the table and says, «You have to close 10 deals a week, Petya!» Sounds cheerful until it turns out that customers do not call because the marketing forgot to run the ads, prices skyrocketed, and the site loads at a turtle’s speed on Valium. And who is to blame when the deadline is on fire and the deals are zero? Of course, Petya! KPI turns into a club with which they poke into an employee instead of fixing the system jambs.
Imagine you’re a sales manager, and your KPI is «increase revenue by 15 percent.» Cool, right? But here’s the problem: the director sets the prices for the product, the assortment is chosen by the buyer, and the logistics department loses parcels once a week somewhere in the Uryupinsk area. You try, call customers, smile, like you’re doing toothpaste ads, and then you say, «Too high» or «Where’s my order?» And you don’t do the KPI, and you get publicly scold as a schoolboy for two problems?
It’s like asking a chef to have a Michelin dinner, and there’s only ketchup and expired yogurt in the fridge, but it’s the chef’s fault, because he has KPI — «surprise guests.» Really? Maybe fill the fridge first?
KPIs You Can’t Answer: The Parade of the Absurd
Now, let’s talk about those KPIs that sound like an anecdote, which are metrics that employees have no control over, but they’re still hanging around their necks like a medal of courage. Here are some classic examples:
1. Pricing. The sales manager doesn’t decide whether the product will cost 100 RUB or 1,000. But the KPI on revenue is his concern. Customers say, «Are you crazy about these prices?» And you sit and smile, because your bonus depends on whether you sell or not. It’s like asking the salesman in the store to convince you to buy a refrigerator for a million. Good luck!
2. Customer traffic. If the marketing forgot to run the ad or leaked the budget to banners that nobody noticed, there won’t be any leads. But the KPI for «the number of closed deals» hangs on you. It’s like asking a fisherman to catch a fish in the desert. Where are the customers, Lebowski?
Product quality. It’s not the developer’s fault that the app is stalling because the budget has been cut and the testing has been done on the knee, but the KPI for «user satisfaction» is his. Users write in reviews, «Your app is a pain!» And the developer sits there and thinks, «I would have done better, but I was given three days and a half programmer.»
External factors. The economic downturn, the competitors who dump, the suppliers who delay the product, the employee is not God to control it. But KPI is relentless. «Sales have fallen? Well, you’re the manager, do something!» What, pray for the rain of customers?
So you sit there and you look at your KPI — 100 Calls a Day — and you realize that half the numbers in the database are out of date, the CRM drops every half hour, and the customers on the other end of the wire are like, «Where’s my order?!» But don’t try making those 100 calls — you’re going to be lazy in the report. It’s not KPI, it’s the script for a comedy of the absurd.
What it looks like in life: stories from office hell
Let’s use examples to make it all funny (or sad) Monday morning, office, glide. The head with his eyes burning announces, «Your KPI — 100 calls a day! Go to work!» Everyone nods like a dummy, and then it turns out that the customer base is a 2005 phone book, half of the numbers don’t work, and the other half are grandmothers who don’t know what you’re selling them at all, but 100 calls have to be made, or at the end of the month they’ll say, «Did you try?»
Or here’s the classic. A designer is told, «Your KPI is to increase conversions on a website by 10 percent.» Cool, right? Except he’s not responsible for text, or advertising, or website loading speeds that resemble the ’90s Internet, but the report will say, «Ivan, conversions haven’t gone up, are you not a designer?» It’s like asking a bus driver to win a Formula 1 race. Bus. No gas.
Here’s a story from life: Katya, the sales manager, got a KPI: «Close 15 deals a month,» she tries, calls customers, gives presentations, but the product she sells is twice as expensive as the competition, because «we’re the premium segment.» Customers laugh at the phone, and Katya drinks valerian, and at the end of the month she is called to the office and said, «Katya, you can’t cope.» And the fact that the marketing didn’t start the advertising, and the suppliers delayed the product, of course, it doesn’t matter.
Why is KPI so often a failure?
Let’s look at why the KPIs that are supposed to motivate are often a nightmare. First, they’re put up by people who don’t understand how the process works. The CEO who last sold something in the ’90s decides, «50 calls a day are normal.» He doesn’t know that the base is rotten and customers are tired of cold calls. But KPI is KPI, and it has to be done.
Second, KPIs are often ticked off, companies want to show investors, shareholders, or themselves that «everything is under control,» and metrics like «increase social engagement by 25 percent» come up, even though no one understands what engagement is or how to measure it, and the key is to have beautiful numbers in the report.
And third, KPIs like to hang on the bottom of the chain. Sales manager is responsible for revenue, not prices. Developer is responsible for bugs, not budget. Designer is responsible for conversion, not traffic. It’s like hot potatoes, you throw responsibility down until it sticks to the one who hasn’t managed to dodge.
How to survive in the world of KPI-absurd?
If you’re an employee trapped in a KPI trap, don’t despair. Here are some tips on how to stay out of your mind and maybe even turn it around:
1. Discuss KPI ahead of time. If you’re given a metric that you can’t influence, say it right away. For example, «I can make 50 calls, but if the base is outdated, the result will be zero. Let’s update the base first?» Calmly, but clearly point out the problem. Sometimes the bosses even listen.
2. Focus on real goals. Instead of 50 calls, say 10 quality customer conversations, which sounds smarter and really helps the business, and if you can, convert KPI from quantity to quality, that will save your nerves.
3. Document everything. If KPI’s not being executed because of someone else’s mess, record it. Supplier delayed the product? Write a letter. Marketing didn’t give you leads? Save the correspondence. At the next meeting, you’ll have a trump card: «I did everything I could, but here are the facts.»
4. Learn to play their game. If KPI is a circus, become a juggler, learn to pretend you’re «metrical,» but focus on the real job, like making fewer calls, but picking out the customers who can actually buy, the result is more important than the process.
And if you’re the boss who puts KPIs? Please stop and think. Ask yourself, «Is this metric helping the employee or is it just making him suffer?» If you ask the designer to increase conversions but you don’t give him access to traffic data, it’s not KPI, it’s sadism. Create metrics that you can actually control, and give people the resources to do them.
KPI as a mirror of corporate insanity
KPIs could be a cool tool if they were used wisely, but too often they turn into a way to keep track of employees rather than improve their work. Companies love to put goals on people they can’t control, and then throw their hands out, «Well, I didn’t do what I could do.» It’s not about efficiency, it’s about theater of the absurd, where you have to run faster, even if the finish line is a mirage.
Let’s laugh at this circus and demand metrics that really help. Stop measuring success by the number of calls or the percentages that depend on the moon and the mood of the supplier. You want KPI? Then give your employees control, resources and freedom. Otherwise, it’s not KPI, it’s an anecdote. Tell us in the comments what crazy KPIs you’ve been given and how you handled them. Let’s have a fight together!